update

Author: luetkemj

package.json

@@ -3,7 +3,8 @@
   "private": true,
   "description": "Change is good",
   "version": "0.1.0",
-  "author": "Marl Luetke <luetkemj@gmail.com>",
+  "author": "Mark Luetke <luetkemj@gmail.com>",
+  "enginges":  { "node": "~12.13.1" },
   "dependencies": {
     "classnames": "^2.2.6",
     "gatsby": "^2.0.53",

src/data/markdown/2022-09-16-to-write-a-thing.md

@@ -0,0 +1,141 @@
+---
+layout: post
+title: 'To Write a Thing'
+date: 2022-09-16 05:37:16
+categories: life
+---
+
+To write a thing.
+
+I am attempting to write a thing. I am attempting to write a thing with a new
+tool. Why am I writing a thing. Where is this thing going to go. Why am I
+using a new tool do it.
+
+## What is the new tool.
+
+Vim. Vim is the new tool.
+
+What am I writing.
+
+I am writing a blog post about writing a thing.
+
+Why am I doing any of it.
+
+I am in a creative desert. I have been for years. I know around about when I
+entered it. And I have a general idea why I wandered off into it. One part
+exhaustion. Two parts personal injury and loss. 
+
+I've been wandering for a while now. 
+
+I'm probably not doing this for you. I'm definitely not doing this because of
+you. I'm also not exactly doing this for me. Or at least not entirely. 
+
+I'm doing thing because of Miss Bean. She was light that burned too hot and too
+fast for this world. And during he
+
+I'm writing this thing for Miss Bean. I used to sing for Miss Bean. I still do,
+but I used to too. Sometimes she would even sing with me. My family tried endlessy to catch me singing for her. 
+And I refused to let them. My son caught me once and I deleted the video. 
+
+I don't know why I did that. Anyone who knows me knows I sing to animals, and
+myself, all the flipping time. I'm sure at the start it was due to embarassment
+but in the end it had become some sort of foolishly shortsighted game. 
+
+Bean was only with us for a year. And I found that we didn't have enough
+pictures or videos of her. The few that we had brought great comfort. But there
+were hardly any of her and I together. And there were exactly 0 videos of me
+singing to her.
+
+It's something I regret. And I hope that I will leave enough remnants of myself
+so that those who care about me will have something to greive with. Or to
+remember me by. Or to put in a box in the attic for someone to discover years
+later. Or to forget about. Not because they didn't have anything to remember me
+by, but because they had the choice. The choice to forget. 
+
+No one has to read this. I can't imagine anyone will. 
+
+That's ok. 
+
+It's in the universe. 
+
+The choice to remember me or forget is there for others to make. 
+
+I won't make that choice for you.
+
+-----
+
+I've been in a creative desert for years now. I can pinpoint the moment I
+stepped foot in it. I have a general idea when I started getting close to it.
+Looking back, the path to this wasteland seems so obvious.
+
+The way out, that's still very ambiguous. 
+
+
+
+I had a dog. Her name was Bean. And she taught me some things.
+
+I used to sing for Miss Bean. I still do, but I used to too. Sometimes she
+would sing with me. Usually she just sat and listened. My family made a game of
+trying to catch me singing to her. And I foolishly made a game of preventing
+them. 
+
+One day my son managed to get a video of it. I deleted it.
+
+I don't know why I did that. Anyone who's spent any real time with me knows I sing
+to animals, myself, the universe. 
+
+Bean was a light that burned too bright for this world. She died after being
+with us for just over a year. And when she left, I didn't have any videos of me
+singing to her. Or her with me. In fact I really didn't have enough pictures
+or videos of her at all.
+
+To be fair, I don't know what would have been enough. That first night, I
+wanted Bean back. A million full color videos wouldn't have been enough. But I
+do know that I will forever regret deleting that video of me singing to Bean. 
+
+-----
+
+The last few years - gosh, it's definitely been more than a few - I've been in
+a creative desert. I lost my why. I've felt that my life and my experience
+wasn't really worth telling. Am I too mundane? Too unhappy? Too priviledged? 
+
+Whatever the reason, losing Miss Bean da Ween taught me some things. 
+
+Leaving a record of yourself isn't about you. It's about your loved ones.
+It gives them the choice in how they decide to mourn you. It let's them
+decide how to remember you - or forget you. 
+
+-----
+
+Miss Bean da Ween, beaniest bean you nare done seen was the queen of FOMO. She
+had to be in on everything, everywhere, all at once. And in the end she got her
+way. We chose to plant sunflowers to remember this Bean. And this Bean, this beaniest
+of bead da weens, she gave us an explosion of sunflowers unlike anything the
+world had ever seen. There were articles written that offered up one
+scientific reason or another for the sudden proliferation of sunflowers. But we
+knew. It was her. She finally got to do all the things.
+
+Miss Bean didn't get to choose to take more photos of herself. She had no
+mechanism to leave us a greater record of her short time on this earth. I made
+that choice for her and I will always regret it. 
+
+But Bean, in her great wisdom, left us a forest of perennial sunflowers to
+remember her by. I will forever be grateful to her for that. 
+
+-----
+
+Bean taught me to leave a stronger evidence of my time on this earth. I will
+leave a pool of artifacts for those I love. It will be up to them to decide if
+they want to dive deep or bury it.
+I don't have to right make that
+choice for them. It's not up to me. 
+
+I owe it to them to take photos and write
+nonsense, and sing stupid songs to the universe on record. 
+
+-----
+
+Who's that bean that bean da ween, beaniest bean you nare done seen that bean,
+just bean, all bean, who bean?
+
+I'm bean!